What do you do all day?

So I've never been asked this question and it has gotten to be the stupidest question for a SAHM. I do what you pay daycare workers big bucks to do. My days are a mixed bag of tricks and treat. My minions who I shall refer to as thing 1 (2 years old) and thing 2 (8 months) for this exercise dictate what I do during most of the day. I won't bore you with diaper changes or potty runs, those too are also a mixed bag. Somehow I manage to use the bathroom, rarely alone but ya know.

7:45 AM (Thing 2) Turns over smiling and let mom know it's time to get up

8:00 AM (Thing 1) Run into mom's room and immediately jump into bed with her

8:15 AM Place thing 2 in his jumper, let thing 1 run around as I shower and dress

8:30 AM (Yes, my shower has to be this short) Change thing 1 and thing 2 into clothes, that will inevitably get dirty or come off for some reason during the course of the day

8:45 - 9:30 AM Breakfast. Thing 1 usually eats oatmeal but she's been refusing that those days so I have not get creative. Thing 2 is trying to decide if he should eat the food placed on his tray or throw it on the floor for mommy to clean up.

9:30 - 10:00 AM Clean Kitchen (put away dishes, wipe counter, put a load of clothes in)

(11:30 AM Thing 1 falls asleep for 20 mins...this is long enough for me to get thing 2 lunch/snack)

10:00 - 12:00 Errands (grocery store, Target, Costco...Starbucks) or Activity of the day. Wrangling 2 children under 3 in any store requires patience and time. If you don't have either, this is a bad idea.

12:00 - 2:00 PM Free play...pretty much every kid for themselves. Complete chaos. We are lucky enough to have a play room, which is kid-proof, so it's not as bad it could be. Also I allow for 30 mins before nap time to have thing 2 clean up. Also I've started trying to insert educational sheets in for my 2 year old.

2:00 - 3:30 PM (if i'm lucky 4) Thing 2 goes down for a nap, if I'm lucky thing 1 will take a nap also. Which gives the time to make my most important decision of the day: Do a chore? Take a nap? Watch tv?

4:00 - 6:00 PM Free Play and dinner prep. Sometimes I wait until my husband gets home at 6:30 to finish dinner because easier that way. Trust me.

6:00 - 8:00 PM Finish dinner, do the dishes, clean kitchen, fold clothes, put away clothes (yes again, I know, I don't know how it stays dirty either)

8:20 - 9:00 Bath and bedtime for thing 1 and thing 2

9:00 - 9:30 PM Finish cleaning kitchen (yes, now it's done!), pick up toys, clothes and random other artifacts

10:00 - 10:40 PM Sit down, turn on computer. Decide if I would like to blog or not. Get on Pinterest. Scroll through Instagram.

10:40 - 11:00 Thing 2 is ready to nurse.

11:00 - 11:30 Decide to blog...

11:30 - 11:50 Needs to get to bed...continues to blog, read Pinterest, scroll through instagram...will regret in the morning

12:00 Thing 2 ready to nurse again...so I decide it's time to go to bed.

....and I love it!

The beauty of lost perspective

At my first baby shower, people quickly started giving me advice. This has continued on and I imagine will indefinitely. People have a wealth of knowledge, and they're just itching to share. Who cares if you don't want it or need it, it needs to be shared. Most are just annoying helpful suggestions, so you smile and endure. But then some are intrusive quips meant to demean and shame your parenting choices. These...these get under my skin. Mostly because they're given by people who have lost perspective, i/e my parents and/or in-laws. Indulge me for a moment while I vent.

My parents and in-laws are done raising children, and frankly, they've lost perspective. It's not their fault, in fact, it's a celebration for them. They've been able to forget most of the hard stuff and replace it with good memories.  Memories of my husband and his brother at 2 and 3 sitting undisturbed in a restaurant while they wait for their food. Memories of toddlers sitting quietly in church service that lasted 3+ hours. Memories of non-drooling teething babies, unbothered preschoolers that only speak when spoken too, walking 6 month old babies, blah blah blah. Give. me. a. break. Sometimes I sit back and listen to these fables like they are being told to me by Mother Goose herself. I mean seriously people at least make it something believable.

I find it hard to believe that someone with 2 small children doesn't remember being overwhelmed, frustrated, tired. There is no way having 2 toddlers didn't give you some form of pause. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, which is extremely possible, but I call BS on your rose-colored memories. Now I will say this, my in-laws did raise a stand-up guy, and they should be commended. But let them tell it, this boy genius did no wrong (maybe I broke him...lol!).

My biggest issue with these sage "advice" is that it is void of reality. As mentioned lost perspective means a lost reality. The problem is I can't believe what you are saying because it happened long enough ago no one can really verify it's validity. And it's easy to romanticize now because the hard part is over. My parents and in-laws have a wealth of knowledge, but it's all being tunneled and filtered through 30+ years of experience.

In all honesty, I don't mind the advice, but make it personal. Try to remember this is new to me, I don't know what I am doing, but neither did you initially. Be sympathetic to the my needs as a mom. Motherhood is just as tough as it was back then as it is now.

The D word: Discipline

So my sister-in-law sent me a link to this cool blog called Black Moms Blog. It's got all kinds of articles about parenting, culture, and lifestyle. One article that caught my eye was Disciplining with Compassion in the Black Community.  The article was so nicely written and very thoughtful. And it totally spoke to me as a black mom and the mom of a toddler. And this has been the topic of conversation between my husband and I since we've entered the terrific 2's with our darling daughter.

Let me start by saying this, being a toddler is hard. The world around you is changing ever day, and honestly, you're just trying to understand it and have a say. And I don't want to crush spirits just protect in love. It's a delicate balance and I'm still learning. And my discipline techniques are ever-evolving. We are all shaped by our past, and we can't help but mimic what we learn sometimes. Knowing this keeps me on my toes when it comes to discipline. I have to understand that my firmness helps create that balance for her, and she has to learn discipline is necessary in all things. So I've realized a few things that have help me in toddler discipline.

First, I try my best to not discipline in anger. I try to understand if what she is doing has an underlining issue or if it's even a thing. By the end of the day like most people I'm spent. I've been saying, "no," "stop," "don't" all day, and frankly, I'm on a short fuse. So I try to be extra patient. I give myself timeouts. I remove myself from the situation and deal with it later. Most things can be dealt with later. Also I try to be mindful of her emotional state. Is she sleepy? Tired? Hungry? Sick? These effect us all in a BIG way, just as they do with toddlers.

Next, I believe in timeouts more than love taps, but I DO believe in love taps. At times we could all benefit from a timeout.  Just a moment to calm down and reflect.  And we discuss why we need to calm down. Discipline needs to be explained to help in behavior adjustment. The why is important. But sometimes "because I said so" will have to do. I like spankings to be a last resort option. The first time I had to really discipline my daughter my heart ached. She was defiantly pushing her boundaries. It was so much harder than I thought it would be. She cried, I wanted to cry. It's hard to see your child sad or angry and know that you caused it internationally. But I'd rather deal with the emotion of broken-hearted toddler now then see the result of not dealing with it later. I want to set her up for success in whatever she does, and that means teaching her discipline.

Finally, I don't mind (mostly) her showing emotions. This is a big one. We, as a black community, disregard children's emotion. They need to be able to show their discontent. Sometimes when she has to cool down in the corner or take a break. She stomps her foot or lets out a yelp. She is venting her frustration, the best way she knows how. I would get mad until my husband made me realize she was just expressing herself. Her discontentment shouldn't effect her punishment. She's upset. I know that, I would be too. She can't express that to me yet, and so I have to be mindful of that.

I hope this helps someone. I, by no means, have anything all figured it. Just one parent sharing what I learned on this journey.

Random Thought #304959304

So lately I've been mulling over whether or not to homeschool. I figured I'm not working might as well continue for a worthy cause. I'm only considering doing it until about 3rd grade. I'm kind of nervous though, not sure if I have what it takes to be a great teacher.

I also do feel a bit guilty about not wanting to run back to work. Feeling like I'm being stretched too thin. All in due time. But I digress. I know it would be benefit my children to have someone solely dedicated to their education and catering to their needs when it comes to learning. Some would argue that I am hindering them socially. And that once in a larger sitting with more children they wouldn't do as great...which then means I would be doing my children a disservice.

But let's face it. Education in this country isn't great. Teachers are overworked and underpaid. They struggle to get and give enough.

My husband usually has a lengthy opinion on everything, but when it comes to things like this he's not as opinionated. I think he's giving me a chance to make my own decision and not push me one way or another.

I just want to know I'm making the right decision either way.  But I guess I'll never really know.

What to do?

Why I decided to be a stay-at-home mom

When I first got married. Staying at home was never an option. I felt like I worked this hard to get all these degrees why would I stay home. Then as time went on I started to think about how convenient it would be if I stayed home and how I could be a kept woman lol.  And it started to appeal to me.

However, when I actually got pregnant we had recently moved to New York, and I didn't think that staying home was going to be a feasible option. So I was planning ahead to take my daughter to daycare at 6 weeks old. This was before I held her, and kissed her.  It's always harder after you hold them. And then I got hit with the even more sobering reality of daycare cost(s). It was going to cost almost $300. If I tried to put her somewhere Manhattan it could have gone anywhere from $3,000 a month and up if she was close to my husband. So we decided to create a financial snapshot for the year to see if it paid more to go to work or stay home. We included the price of driving back and forth between Jersey and New York, which included gas, car maintenence (I was driving over a 80 miles round trip each day), traffic and tolls $10 every day to cross the bridge. We also had to include things that didn't  have  a actual cost to them. If the baby was sick or the weather was bad. We didn't have the extra help so that meant that one of us would have to take off work.

And now we're here, two babies later, and I think it's one of the best decisions I made.  First, let me say as a mother and wife and overall supporter and provider you have to do what works for you and what's best for your family. This works best for me financially, but also as I started to define my role as a parent and choose my parenting style (which I'll talk more about later).

People ask if I'm ready to go back to work, and sometimes I feel guilty for saying no. Society can make you feel like staying at home and taking care of your family is not a noble work. But it is if it's meaningless and it's not that hard, why do we pay people to do? Working moms feel guilty for not having the time to spend with their children, and women who stay at home feel guilty for not working and providing financial support for their family. What a crazy jacked-up mentality we place on women, it's a no-win situation.

For me decide to stay home was more of a dollars and cents. I know and understand my skills in the market that I'm working, and it wasn't worth working for what I was bringing home. Especially not when I considered the alternative. And that's what it came down to for me knowing my work bow outside and inside the home. I'd like to think that I've done more good being home with my children, and provided them with more then I could have ever provided being at work. Unfortunately, there's no tool to really measure that .  Eventually I'll go back to work , but for now I'm content where I am . And I think we need to support all moms in whatever decision they make and cut them some slack.

Postpartum Depression and Anxiety

This article just gave me life. I dealt with some postpartum issues and this article rings so true.

Here are some points I loved:

"You have to be unapologetic about taking a hiatus."

"Start trusting that your partner is just as responsible..."

"This transition was not easy. Every day is different."

I don't agree with "My fight with PPD and all the anxieties that come with it will be over soon." It's hard to really ever be done with depression or aniexty. But it can definitely be managed, and that is what most people in this position are striving for.

Kudos to her for speaking up and out. It's so real for so many people. 

I did it!

So we're 10 weeks postpartum, and life is starting to make more sense. Moving from a family of 3 to family of 4 has been a transition, but we like it. I'm hoping for more, yes even this soon after giving birth.

Last time I was here I was contemplating whether or not to have a vbac. Well, thanks to my amazing OB, Dr. Lisa Johnson, I did it. I have a VBAC, which approves me for more vaginal births in the future. Had it not been for Dr. Johnson I would not have followed through.

Here's the story. I was so nervous about going into labor and not having anyone to watch my little one that I scheduled an induction. My induction was scheduled for 40 weeks exactly, and I was induced by foley bulb. They basically place a catheter balloon to dilate your cervix. This was done around noon without any drugs. I was also mildly committed to doing this drug free until the contractions kicked in. And boy did they kick in almost immediately after having the foley bulb inserted. So not knowing how long the process might take I asked for an epidural. Six hours later things were going pretty good, I was 6 centimeters dilated. Next came the breaking of the water, which was more like a flowing of the river.  And then it stopped. I stayed relatively the same until 4 the next day when I noticed my epidural was wearing off. But before I could get any relief my urge to push kicked in. And my son was born at 4:41 PM weighing 8 pounds.

And here we are 10 weeks later, enjoying our new family member so much. His sister is a big helper even at 2 and loves to hold him. She's such a great big sister, and getting better every day. I like having a vbac because it was a faster recovery time, and it helped me not skip a beat.